~razberry-witch

Maybe I am just suffering from PMS and it is linked to depression but I really do feel listless, alone, angry, crowded, isolated and fiercely 'growly' (grumbling/ groucey); I hate almost everything. I do not want to be here in this city and I know for a fact if I was back home going to school, eating lunch with my best friend, being worshipped by my lover I would be in the same mood. I would be feverently wishing I was somewhere else. I think the root of my displeaure is that I feel trapped, stagnant, I feel as though I am going though the motions and not enjoying life; much like prostiution (Rent Girl is an awesome graphic novel) life has become exhausting, and whatever good comes from it, I feel i cannot fully reap the benefits. I feel like i need the goddess avatar Kali in my life to rid myself of the bullshit and negitivity. My father thinks I need a change of scenery.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I NEED TO IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY AND IT IS DRIVING ME UP AN OPRESSIVELY PINK FUCKING WALL!!!!
For instance I have a lover. We are just 'having fun' and being 'friends' without being 'fuckbuddies' (god! I hate that term!!). He is satisfied and yet unsatisfied with the sex we are having because he is not in love with me. I know why but that is not the issue. A lot of things between my lover and I have been clarified, for we had loved each other years ago and there was an abrupt end to which we did not speak for several years. Isn't that romantic? I find I cannot fully express myself as his lover, and that really makes me ticked. I feel our sex play has a lot to do with what he needs and what he has energy for and what he is in the mood to do, and less about making it last. i cannot be constantly satisfied with the progress we are making as friends, or the individual progress he is making as a lover. Things we have revealed to each other make us even more careful and wary of the other. He has trouble saying no to me and communicating with me. He is dating me and at the same time, we are not and am I am playing second fiddle beause he still has unresolved feeling of girls who have come and gone before. Our relationship is very complicated.
My older lover is kinda stuck in the middle, he permits me my freedom and yet I find my self in discontent in the midst of ur turbulent 2 year realtionship. I am bored with the romantic plebian lifestyle he has let himself fall into, I am tired of the whole "Mrs. Robinson"-esque feature of our whole relationship. he should be further along in his life thatn he is right now. i cannot stand to see the evidence of delapitation he has allowed himself to fall into. The whole thing disgusts me. I will never be like that ever.
I am less patient and less sweet than I used to be. I have become intolerant of a lot of bullshit. And yet, I feel saddened by this kind of loss, i feel as though I am less innocent now that I am less tolerant.
Thus, it is not the lack sex that is making me bitchy. It is the lack of satisfaction with my lovers/sex and my life overall that is making me a sullen, kali-following, masterbationly-disabled psuedo-feminist.

I am about ready to stigmata myself with a bread knife while listening Hooverphonic (some of the most depressing accostic music I have in my possession, or I have ever known) because Voltaire performed in CA on his month long Maiden Tour and I totally missed it. I could just walk out into traffic... I feel so stupid.
Shit, I'm ganna be late but I cannot bring myself to care.
I need to buy my mother a present for her birthday next week. Her five-fingered telecommunicating cronies stole our 2 qt. sauce pan and I'm going to buy her a new one. This is the second birthday of hers I will miss. i have no regrets about that, she decided to grow a Berlin Wall between us with my father as Berlin and our near only method of communicating with each other. She seems so artifical with me. She thinks she is fooling everyone about her vice but the Bunny knows; the Bunny maybe dense but she isn't stupid by any means.
i will probably move out after I get my BA.

I need to get very drunk with my best friend and then proceed to cry until she makes me laugh.
i need to leave but i don't know where to go. I am impatient to leave.