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~razberry-witch:iconrazberry-witch:

The Moon is Reaching for Me  
  • 2 Deviations
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  • 224 Deviation Comments
  • 39 Deviant Comments
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i have like 15 minutes before I have to rush off

Journal Entry: Thu Apr 24, 2008, 1:00 PM
Maybe I am just suffering from PMS and it is linked to depression but I really do feel listless, alone, angry, crowded, isolated and fiercely 'growly' (grumbling/ groucey); I hate almost everything. I do not want to be here in this city and I know for a fact if I was back home going to school, eating lunch with my best friend, being worshipped by my lover I would be in the same mood. I would be feverently wishing I was somewhere else. I think the root of my displeaure is that I feel trapped, stagnant, I feel as though I am going though the motions and not enjoying life; much like prostiution (Rent Girl is an awesome graphic novel) life has become exhausting, and whatever good comes from it, I feel i cannot fully reap the benefits. I feel like i need the goddess avatar Kali in my life to rid myself of the bullshit and negitivity. My father thinks I need a change of scenery.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I NEED TO IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY AND IT IS DRIVING ME UP AN OPRESSIVELY PINK FUCKING WALL!!!!
For instance I have a lover. We are just 'having fun' and being 'friends' without being 'fuckbuddies' (god! I hate that term!!). He is satisfied and yet unsatisfied with the sex we are having because he is not in love with me. I know why but that is not the issue. A lot of things between my lover and I have been clarified, for we had loved each other years ago and there was an abrupt end to which we did not speak for several years. Isn't that romantic? I find I cannot fully express myself as his lover, and that really makes me ticked. I feel our sex play has a lot to do with what he needs and what he has energy for and what he is in the mood to do, and less about making it last. i cannot be constantly satisfied with the progress we are making as friends, or the individual progress he is making as a lover. Things we have revealed to each other make us even more careful and wary of the other. He has trouble saying no to me and communicating with me. He is dating me and at the same time, we are not and am I am playing second fiddle beause he still has unresolved feeling of girls who have come and gone before. Our relationship is very complicated.
My older lover is kinda stuck in the middle, he permits me my freedom and yet I find my self in discontent in the midst of ur turbulent 2 year realtionship. I am bored with the romantic plebian lifestyle he has let himself fall into, I am tired of the whole "Mrs. Robinson"-esque feature of our whole relationship. he should be further along in his life thatn he is right now. i cannot stand to see the evidence of delapitation he has allowed himself to fall into. The whole thing disgusts me. I will never be like that ever.
I am less patient and less sweet than I used to be. I have become intolerant of a lot of bullshit. And yet, I feel saddened by this kind of loss, i feel as though I am less innocent now that I am less tolerant.
Thus, it is not the lack sex that is making me bitchy. It is the lack of satisfaction with my lovers/sex and my life overall that is making me a sullen, kali-following, masterbationly-disabled psuedo-feminist.

I am about ready to stigmata myself with a bread knife while listening Hooverphonic (some of the most depressing accostic music I have in my possession, or I have ever known) because Voltaire performed in CA on his month long Maiden Tour and I totally missed it. I could just walk out into traffic... I feel so stupid.
Shit, I'm ganna be late but I cannot bring myself to care.
I need to buy my mother a present for her birthday next week. Her five-fingered telecommunicating cronies stole our 2 qt. sauce pan and I'm going to buy her a new one. This is the second birthday of hers I will miss. i have no regrets about that, she decided to grow a Berlin Wall between us with my father as Berlin and our near only method of communicating with each other. She seems so artifical with me. She thinks she is fooling everyone about her vice but the Bunny knows; the Bunny maybe dense but she isn't stupid by any means.
i will probably move out after I get my BA.

I need to get very drunk with my best friend and then proceed to cry until she makes me laugh.
i need to leave but i don't know where to go. I am impatient to leave.

  • Mood: Hostile
  • Listening to: someone's tracking device buzzing
  • Reading: Rent Girl (incessently)
  • Watching: my emote
  • Playing: with my self unsuccessfully
  • Eating: bitterness is candy so sweet
  • Drinking: vAhee (vodka, i wish)

Devious Information

  • Current Age: old soul
  • Current Residence: the red room at the end of the hall with the wreath of autumn leaves on the door
  • Favourite genre of music: alternative/ gothic/ rock/ oldies/ swing/ instrumental
  • Favourite artist: Kahlo/ Parks/ Waterhouse/ Leighton
  • Favourite poet or writer: King/ Eugenides/ Curtis Klause/ Lamb
  • Shell of choice: conches and sand dollars
  • Skin of choice: anthropromorphic
  • Favourite game: truth or dare/ gin rummy/ what if...?/ pyromania
  • Favourite cartoon character: Nightcrawler
  • Tools of the Trade: bell, book, candle and besom

deviantART Notice

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Devious Comments

~razberry-witch:iconrazberry-witch: Dec 5, 2007, 4:19:54 PM Mood: Bemused
No thank you... your work is thought worthy and inspiring *gushgushgush* *blahblahblah* I'm sure you've heard it all before.

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*keess keess
~razberry-witch:iconrazberry-witch: Dec 5, 2007, 4:18:12 PM Mood: Thanks
You think so... thank you!

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*keess keess
~razberry-witch:iconrazberry-witch: Dec 5, 2007, 4:17:42 PM
np thank you!

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*keess keess
*Vampirella87:iconVampirella87: Jun 10, 2007, 2:25:05 AM
Hey there :wave:

How are you? :)
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~Ellis-is-god:iconEllis-is-god: Dec 22, 2005, 3:23:30 PMComment hidden by Owner
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~Jinx7:iconJinx7: Dec 17, 2005, 8:46:58 PMComment hidden by Owner
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~Black-hearted-evil:iconBlack-hearted-evil: Dec 3, 2005, 12:23:10 PM
Nice work!!

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:damphyr:~Spritz~:damphyr:
:rose:+~Lola~+:rose:
~NaamahsServant:iconNaamahsServant: Nov 2, 2005, 2:00:20 PM
Thanx 4 the :+fav: on NO ENTRY :hug:!
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~earthsranger:iconearthsranger: Oct 11, 2005, 12:12:26 AMComment hidden by Owner
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~wrackedwolf:iconwrackedwolf: Oct 6, 2005, 3:36:47 PMComment hidden by Owner
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~Werebeast:iconWerebeast: Oct 4, 2005, 7:26:24 PM
Just dropping by to say hallo!! :D

--
"If I had another broken name
Oh, I dream of something like that "
~wrackedwolf:iconwrackedwolf: Sep 29, 2005, 3:46:27 PM
Hey there.

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#trivia

:olya: The ferrets tell you to click the link :olya:
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~earthsranger:iconearthsranger: Sep 25, 2005, 3:29:27 AMComment hidden by Owner
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~Jinx7:iconJinx7: Sep 19, 2005, 2:46:25 PM
i saw you today! ^_^ I was in photography 5th, we were taking pics, what were you doing out of class missy? hm ?^^
~Jinx7:iconJinx7: Sep 8, 2005, 5:12:46 PM
ah that was to say , what does your name mean*
~Jinx7:iconJinx7: Sep 8, 2005, 5:12:18 PM
so my love, what does your come from? (razberry -witch that is) ^_^
~Werebeast:iconWerebeast: Aug 29, 2005, 4:28:46 PM
HEY I HAVEN'T WRITTEN HERE IN A WHILE!!!! :D

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"If I had another broken name
Oh, I dream of something like that "
~earthsranger:iconearthsranger: Aug 29, 2005, 10:29:45 AM
*tickles* wondering where you went.

--
"Your life is your's and yours alone. Allow no one to rule you except yourself" (Me)

"trample the weak, hurdle the dead
I am a bull and I see only red" (me)
~snowangel09:iconsnowangel09: Aug 22, 2005, 9:12:36 AM
*waves* hehe

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mewling....
~Ellis-is-god:iconEllis-is-god: Aug 18, 2005, 6:13:52 PM
sorry bout the late reply.. but you cannot "crop" on paint... but you can select, cut, and repaste onto the board... ^_^ ? is that good enough?
~earthsranger:iconearthsranger: Aug 17, 2005, 4:26:13 AM
*smilling as i catch you and grinning when you thank me. I kiss you and gently bite your lower lip.* I hope to speak to you soon as well.

--
"Your life is your's and yours alone. Allow no one to rule you except yourself" (Me)

"trample the weak, hurdle the dead
I am a bull and I see only red" (me)
~razberry-witch:iconrazberry-witch: Aug 16, 2005, 10:21:43 PM
*gets a running start and jumps up into his arms like a little child, wrapping her legs around his waist, her amrs around his neck, smiling with her mouth and eyes, she pressed her forehead to his, their noses touch* thanks for the hug, hope to speak to you soon ^_^

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*keess keess
~softcell72:iconsoftcell72: Aug 16, 2005, 9:45:43 PM
found you via the random dev link and did a gallery check.:wave:


[link] <;please drop by

--
change is good, you go first.
Light travels faster than sound, which is why a person can appear bright, until they open their mouth.
hating me won't make you pretty.
~earthsranger:iconearthsranger: Aug 15, 2005, 5:03:47 AM
YOU HAVE BEEN HUGGED by *Mysterria
RULES:
1- You can hug the person who hugged you!
2- You can't hug the person more than 3 times
3- You -MUST- hug at least 6 other people
4- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their user page! c'mon... don't be scared of public displays of affection
5- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
6- You should most definitely get started hugging right away!
-P.S. Hey! try some random people to spread more of the DA love around!

--
"Your life is your's and yours alone. Allow no one to rule you except yourself" (Me)

"trample the weak, hurdle the dead
I am a bull and I see only red" (me)